You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
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Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Watermelon Boss!
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear