[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
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She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love