warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
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me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
I’M CRYINGGG
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*