[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
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“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
iPhone X
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed