Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
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I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Black Friday “markdowns” like
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”