Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
You Might Also Like
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance