A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
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I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
me opening up to someone
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.