I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
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*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]