I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
You Might Also Like
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Yup.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now