[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
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me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs