My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
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[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8