I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
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If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in