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Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there