First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
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Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing