Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
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Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Owl Sanctuary
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing