I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
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*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Lmao
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*