OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
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[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Good news
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms