Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
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Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.