“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
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*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Peace was never an option
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark