Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
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ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Not today, today.
Not today.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
“Why you watching this shit?”
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
thanksgiving in nutshell
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators