My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
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You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet