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It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
When he asks for feet pics
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.