doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
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[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.