Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
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Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
United Steaks of America
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.