Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
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I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Always
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
I hate everything
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.