me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
You Might Also Like
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Yup.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
why would tinder want me to say this
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff