When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
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hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Bread puns are on the rise!
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.