My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
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Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.