DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
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Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*