Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
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My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?