Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
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[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music