[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
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Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Word.
~ Microsoft.