[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
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The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.