If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
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Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Lmao the reply