i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
You Might Also Like
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.