*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
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Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
inside you are two wolves
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
I have a black belt in leather
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Salad is the decaf of food.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.