Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
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my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”