I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
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2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
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90Me: Nailed it.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!