It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
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Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.