Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
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7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?