Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
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Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?