What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
You Might Also Like
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.