“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
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“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings