If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
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there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
another case of gang violins
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…