I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
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My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
SPLOOT
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Battery falling down a hole
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.