Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
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Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
DOOO EEEET
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.