It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
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If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues