My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
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You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me