“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
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Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did