You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
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Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Me, flirting😏
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME: